Uncertain times can not only cause never before asked questions, but it also can create worries that had previously been sequestered to the back of the mind. One specific worry that can come about in a pandemic is the worry over the health of a loved one. Many of us have loved ones who are older or have underlying conditions and catching the Coronavirus would be very bad news. Worries and questions of mortality and death that are usually not on the forefront of our thoughts, can rear their ugly head in a time like this.
These worries and questions are very valid, and they jolt us out of our everyday reality and rhythm of life. This article/talk will be a little bit different because I would like to share my own personal experience about everything that comes with the loss of health and eventual death of a loved one. My hope is that this will bring about the truth of a God who loves us and is there even when our worlds change and darkness takes up permanent residence in our earthly lives. So here goes.
December, 2005. My life seemed to be that of a typical upper middle class 5th grader. I was an awkward, uber involved student who’s biggest worry was would I get picked last for the recess playground soccer game. All of that changed in an instant, a point in time that wasn’t much bigger than a hairline. You see, at one fateful moment, my young, healthy mother had a series of seizures that changed the course of my family's story forever. Astrocytoma. That ugly vicious name for a brain tumor that was even more ugly and vicious than could have been imagined in a carefree 5th grader’s mind.
Despite surgeries and seemingly successful rounds of chemo and radiation, this brain tumor stole. It stole my mom’s total independence and peace of mind. It stole future plans of being a happy, normal family. And for that 5th grader, it stole the security of having something so constant and assured that were my parents at that time. For me, I have always valued security, and for most of my life I have found that security in people. My parents were those people that I thought would always be around, to care for me, give me the advice I needed and continue to lead me in life. All of that security was gone with the arrival of this brain tumor.
With that security gone, I searched for another constant. The constant that I found was God. When I read scripture even at that young age, what I found wasn’t a promise of an amazing successful life, but a God who would be by my side in a life of troubles and sorrow. This message might be hard to relate to for someone who hasn't gone through a life altering event yet, but it is something so important to remember, because everyone will eventually go through a multitude of life changing events in their life.
The nuance of the Psalms perfectly encapsulates this truth. Many times, the Psalmist cries out in despair or fear at what is going on around them, but these same Psalmists often call unto the Lord and describe him as their shelter, and their strength. These Psalms became a theme for me as I got older and had to helplessly watch as my mom’s own strength deteriorated from her due to the side effects of the radiation.
Now to say that I held firm to God all the time throughout all this would not be honest. Many times I felt like that one sheep, straying away from the flock and trying to find my own ways to cope with the struggles of life. I get caught up in my own thoughts and depression, which often is caused by my own situation will come at me from all sides. But the good news is that the Lord is my shepherd and he doesn’t wait for me to get myself back on my own track before he comes and retrieves me. No! He goes out into this wilderness to get me. And this isn't just a one time thing. He does it over and over, constantly displaying His love for me.
Oftentimes, these types of stories will have happy endings of restored health and how everything ended up being just fine. But this isn't one of those stories. About 6 months ago, my mom received the news that the brain tumor was back, more aggressive than ever, and was terminal. By opting to not go with any more treatment, she was given only a few more months and she quickly began to deteriorate. Complete thoughts soon turned into jumbled words, sleep became her normal state, and I watched as the last earthly pieces of my mom were taken away. On February 4th, 2020 at around 8:20 in the evening we said goodbye and she let go.
I never knew someone could experience that kind of pain and grief, but there we were. I am still relatively early in this “healing” process of grief but the reason I am writing this is not to have you feel sorry for me but to share some things I have learned when it comes to losing someone you love. Within all of this grief and pain there remains this one thing… Hope.
Christian hope is actually an intersection of realism and optimism. It does not tell you that your worries are stupid or insignificant. Hope actually affirms your worries but it puts these worries into perspective. Do we live in a broken world full of decay and death? Yes, and Christian hope agrees with this. Has the Lord promised that He will restore and heal everything wrong and broken with this world? Yes, and the Christian hope also affirms this, specifically in Revelation 21:1-8. In these verses it says that the Lord is making everything new and “will wipe every tear from their eyes”.
The thing that I like about Christian hope and the scriptures surrounding it, is that it allows space for grief and sadness but it gives assurance that grief and sadness will not have the last word. Jesus mourned the death of Lazarus despite knowing full well he was about to raise him from the dead. Just like Jesus and the Psalmists, we can grieve and mourn for the current state of things, while knowing full well that the Lord is our shelter and will even defeat the last enemy, which is death.
I wish I could remove your worries about worldwide pandemics and about losing loved ones in heartbreaking ways. Unfortunately, I don't think my story will remove any worry or give you any peace of mind but I do think it can provide a calming stillness of God’s sovereignty and promise. I tell you my story and give you this message to hopefully impart Christian hope onto you.
I want to close this with one of my favorite verses and the verse that I ended the last article/talk with. And I love it because just like this Christian hope I was talking about, this verse acknowledges us in a place of uncertainty and fear, all while giving us a glimpse of our creator who has us in the palm of His hand. So in the words of Jesus, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have troubles and tribulation. But take heart, for I have overcome the world”.
